I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
