Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
