Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
