8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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