I bet he comes in French.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
