he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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