my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
