STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
