She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
