I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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