Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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