i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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