I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
