I just pynch a tree in the face
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
