I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
