She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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