I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
