Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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