So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
