No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
