she woke up with a sticky ear
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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