I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
