this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
whose ass print is on the piano?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
