just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
