You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
