just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
