You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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