What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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