If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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