when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
