Fine. I'll sleep in my office
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
