What a fucking waste of an outfit
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
