I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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