it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
