Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
