After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
