she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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