im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
