I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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