Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
