Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
