Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
