She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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