I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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