I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
