someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My bed smells like the plague
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
