i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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