My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
