Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
