Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
