I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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