On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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