So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
